The Bigger Picture

                                                               By: Raghda Serag
 

There was always a part of me that felt guilty, a part that knew something was wrong and never felt content. Nonetheless, I kept searching for my happiness in all the wrong directions… it was as if I insisted on being unhappy. I grew up in a family who’s close to god and I always felt guilty for not doing what I’m really here to do. I also felt guilty for how I could never step back and look at the bigger picture…the real one.

I was so into well..."life," what am I going to wear? How will I do my hair … short… long… short again? When will my next trip, birthday, or outing be? Basically anything but why I'm really here. Then all of a sudden with no rational thinking I felt guilty and thought that wearing the veil would make me complete and at peace, even though I did not think it through or even try convincing myself first. This was a huge mistake for me. I didn’t even have answers to my OWN questions inside my head… like why does god want me to suffer, look uglier and to carry that burden? (AstghfuAlllah) So I took it off after feeling agonizing pain of just wrapping it around my head, thinking that I will gain my happiness back which I never really felt.

After a few months of being around good Muslim friends who were nothing but amazing and supportive, I started to love everything about my religion and not feel the burdens that I used to feel before. They were truly an inspiration...a gift from Allah (SWT).

The questions that I had in my head were answered silently inside of me until it suddenly hit me...How could I be that BLIND?? How could I not see how Allah (SWT) wants nothing but our benefit and everything that was asked from us was for our own sake? How could I love Him and not do a thing He asked me to? So, I said ok I’ll try my best in everything and I’ll wear long sleeves but no to veil since I failed at it miserably before. Then I began to see the bigger picture of how my religion focus on details that shape us and build us into better characters. A religion that cares about human beings, animals, family bonds and friendships and much more. It basically sums up our lives. How could I not see how god loves me and wants nothing but my protection from all the things that I used to chase that did nothing but ruin me and left me broken?

So at last I felt at ease with the decision of putting the veil on again after being fully convinced that its right and feeling that it’s a part of who I am now. I keep praying to god to help me through and I pray to continue working on being a better Muslim…
"يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك "

           

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