By: Soumaia Hashad
Swallowing the nervousness down my throat, I took a deep breath. I shoved all my hesitating and negative thoughts away and took a step forward.
“I can do it” I thought.
My heart thumps were hearable, and my sweat became seeable. Blinking the fear away, I prayed to Allah that He would protect me and guide me through my new path; I just knew that I couldn’t do it without Him.
I turned off the lights, grabbed my bag and reached out for the door. I could see my hand shaking as I was opening the door. My mind was getting invaded by a flood of thoughts; how my friends would react, whether I looked good in this new thing and whether I had the courage to be responsible for my decision.
I couldn’t take a step forward instead I took one backwards, closed the door and stood there in the dark. Tears were already rolling down my cheeks. I just realized how weak I am; I was such a loser. Unconsciously, I found myself sobbing loudly; my tears were endless. “Why am I such a coward?” was all I could think of.
Minutes ticked away, and I was still drenched in my tears and buried under my sorrows in the dark. For a moment there, I had flashbacks from yesterday, from the time when I was praying Tarawih. I recalled my friend’s words:
“Pray to Allah, and He’ll give you the strength. Beg Him.”
Wiping my tears away, I started praying to Allah. I was literally pleading; I wanted this so bad. I then decided that I won’t step out of that door unless I gain my strength back. As I switched the lights on, I thought of reading some Quran to boost my Iman and recharge my energy.
As I dug my hand into my bag to search for the Quran, I started feeling some peace of mind. I felt my heart calm down while taking a deep breath. I sat down and opened the Quran at some random page to find Surat Al-Kahf. I began reading loudly:
“Say, [O Muhammad], “Shall we [believers] inform you of the greatest losers as to [their] deeds? [They are] those whose effort is lost in worldly life, while they think that they are doing well in work.” Those are the ones who disbelieve in the verses of their Lord and in [their] meeting Him, so their deeds have become worthless; and We will not assign to them on the Day of Resurrection any importance.”
Before realizing, tears were already flowing. I felt extremely ashamed of myself. How can I be this pathetic?
I put back my Quran in the bag and marched towards the door. At that instant, I was braver; I felt that with each step I was taking, Allah was guiding me, and with each blink of an eye, Allah was patting me on the shoulder assuring me of His existence.
Getting hold of the door knob, I clicked the door open, stepped out of my apartment and climbed down the stairs. I couldn’t wait another second; I was already on fire wanting to see this new world.
As I checked the time, I realized that Tarawih was about to start; there was no time to hesitate as I already had some praying to do. As I walked down the streets, I could feel a brand new feeling of security. I could sense an eye guarding me, a hand guiding me and a smile warming my heart. Eventhough I was in the streets alone at such a deserted time, I felt very safe. A mere human being by my side could NEVER match up to that intangible protection I felt at that time. I felt content to the extent that I couldn’t hide my smile while walking.
As I approached the mosque, I could see one of my friends who happened to be the same girl from yesterday’s Tarawih. The moment she realized the change in me, her jaw dropped, literally. Smiling back at her wasn’t enough; she was practically frozen with her eyes wide open. I smiled even wider. Out of the blue, I heard a loud squeak followed by a huge laugh.
“Oh my God, Nadine.You look AMAZING.” She was almost yelling.
For a moment there, I felt tears filling my eye-cups. As she hugged me tightly, tears were already rolling its way down my red cheeks. I, unconsciously, kept on thanking God for choosing me to become a representative for my deen, a HIJABI. Alhamdulilah.
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